What a Tweest!
by Ala Iridia
Summary: So recent developments revealed the face beneath the Lifemaker's hood...but what if it had been someone else?


**With some help from the other posters in the Negima Fanfiction thread on TvTropes, we bring you some brief stories about what would have happened if a different character had turned out to be the Lifemaker. Sanity and/or logic not guaranteed. In fact, don't expect either of them to be here. Stories are listed in the order they were originally posted, with the author's name in bold.  
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* * *

><p><strong>No Limit:<strong>

The resulting explosion from the combined attack of Asuna and Negi created a dust cloud that covered the entire area. As the dust settled, the Lifemaker still stood as his hood had been blown back. "It can't be," Negi gasped.

"But…you shouldn't be here!" Asuna said.

"I should have know it was you underneath," Evangeline whispered venomously.

Chao Lingshen flashed a thumbs up and a shining grin. "I'm back-yo!"

And the rest of the story was awesome because of it.

* * *

><p><strong>Japanese Teeth:<strong>

An oppressive silence fell. The meeting place of the two worlds was quiet as a figure of fluttering shadow emerged.

"The time has come."

The blood drained from every face as a gust of wind caught the mysterious entity's hood. The silence was broken for just a moment by a chorus of gasps as all saw the countenance of the being the so feared. The stillness descended once again; the shock was so great that only a single voice rang out.

"Seriously? What the hell?" Chisame stomped towards the Lifemaker. There was no fear in her, only a nebulous rage that seemed to be directed at the entire universe. Striding up to the dark figure, she took hold of the hood and whipped it away. Her mouth curled into a grimace. The face was that of her ten-year-old teacher.

She turned around. Somehow, despite the fact that Negi was standing in front of her, draped in the Lifemaker's robes, he was also standing behind, staring steel-eyed at his adversary.

"Are you kidding me?" Chisame stamped her foot. "This is such bullshit! How the hell can Negi be the Lifemaker? It makes no freaking sense!"

"That which you see is not your teacher!" the Lifemaker replied, raising a finger to point at the other Negi. "That is a simple homunculus, which-"

"You shut up!" she interrupted. "There's absolutely no evidence for this being even remotely possible! I expected a better resolution than this!" She pointed at the Lifemaker again. "Why couldn't you have been somebody who actually made sense!"

The Lifemaker shrugged.

"It's just CGI."

Chisame began to sputter.

"But that...no...CGI...doesn't...that's not how...OH SCREW IT!" She grabbed the Lifemaker's hood and yanked it back over his head. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with so I can go home and watch YouTube videos."

* * *

><p><strong>Japanese Teeth:<strong>

"Okay, the ritual is stopped and the world has been saved!" said Negi Springfield.

Just as he was about to destroy all the bad guys and save ala alba and the world, there was an explosion, and the lifemaker appeared and took off his hood and yelled at them.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKKERS!"

It was...Konoemon!

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

The Lifemaker's hood fell back to reveal the face of Nagi Springfield.

"Wait a minute, " complained Negi, "this is supposed to be a fic about people who aren't the Lifemaker being the Lifemaker and you are the Lifemaker."

"No I'm not, " said the man who was not Nagi, "I'm Nagi's identical twin brother! And I have important news to convey to you Negi. Nagi isn't your father!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

As the Lifemaker's hood lifted to reveal his face, the Lifemaker flicked up a hand, lifting the skirts of every girl on Mundi Mangus. Behind the hood was Chamo piloting a robot!

"Wait this doesn't make any since!" exclaimed Asuna.

"Actually it does," explained Chisame, "That's how Chamo has lived though all the abuse we've put him through."

"But why is he trying to destroy the world?" asked Asuna.

"So I can repopulate it with hot naked chicks!" okayed Chamo, holding out a thumbs up.

Everyone sweatdopped, then proceeded to beat him down with no mercy. And everyone was saved.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

The life maker flipped a hand and the shirt of every girl on Mundi Mangus was torn to shreds.

"Wait Paio Zi?" asked Negi.

"Oh no we are not going through this again!" screamed Asuna.

Paio Zi looked at the ficlet above about Chamo and backed down deciding to restrict her domain to the baths.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

Suddenly from under the Lifemaker's hood came a robotic voice, "command accepted, maximum power." A beam of light shot from the hood and blasted Negi's shirt off. The beam also hit parts of the hood slowly burning it away to expose the Lifemaker was one of Chao's robots that she used during the festival.

"Oh shit its Tanaka! Run from the strip beam!" screamed Asuna bolting out of the grave keeper's palace. Negi on the other hand didn't understand what was so bad about a nonlethal beam and simply kept fighting.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

"Kekeke. You fallen right into my trap," the Lifemaker jousted pulling off her hood.

"Wait, Chachazero? I though you couldn't move without Eva," Noticed Asuna.

"Oh shit you're right," Chachazero then broke the "If you don't look gravity doesn't work" rule and fell out of the robot she was piloting. The world was saved and there was a nice bonfire that night.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

Chisame had no idea that her mice would do whatever her mind wanted to happen, so when it turned out they were piloting a robotic Lifemaker suit to destroy magic and return her life to normal Chisame had some huge choices to make. Fortunately the choice put so much pressure on her mind that she passed out. This deactivated her artifact and rendered the mice useless. After she woke up her contract with Negi was quickly and mutually broken.

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

"As punishment for trying to stop me," said The Lifemaker as he pulled off his hood, "you will all have to sieza-sit in the lobby!"

"Nitta-sensei?" gasped Chisame. "But you're a normal teacher! How could you be involved! I looked to you as an example that it was possible to be normal at our school! How could you be The Lifemaker!"

"Wasn't it obvious?" asked Nitta. "After my attempts to prevent any pactios from occurring in Kyoto that I didn't want your team becoming too powerful? Now, you will all face disciplinary action!"

* * *

><p><strong>SCM:<strong>

Negi and Asuna's combined attack struck down the Lifemaker. As he stumbled back, his hood slipped back, revealing…

"You?" Setsuna said, boggling.

Amagasaki Chigusa smirked at them. "Hah! Weren't you wondering why I haven't been seen since Kyoto?"

"No,"Konoka said.

"Not really," Fate said.

"Who are you?" Chisame asked.

"I hate you all…"

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

At the arrival of The Lifemaker, Negi sneezed, stripping away the robes to reveal a large pair of breasts. "Shizuna-sensei?" gasped Kazumi.

"Why would you be The Lifemaker!" asked Chisame.

"I'm the guidance counselor," Shizuna replied, "but none of you ever come to me for counseling! The sole exception was in Decadent Habits! Even Arai Chie gets more time counseling than I do and she's not even from this series! If I didn't traumatize you, I'd be fired for being unnecessary!"

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

As the demon attack on Mahora continued, a stray stripping beam hit The Lifemaker, leaving him completely nude.

"Kagetarou-san!" asked Negi.

"Of course it would be a shadow user," sighed Chisame.

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker dropped not only the hood, but the whole robe, revealing what appeared to be five Narutakis sitting on each others shoulders, each with a different hairstyle. "WHAT!" asked Chisame as her head darted between "The Lifemaker" and the Narutaki twins.

"We told you that we could do the body-splitting technique." Fuuka smirked.

"Some readers guessed that we were split the whole time and they were right," added Fumika. "They just didn't know how many we'd split into."

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker pulled back the hood to reveal Shiori's sister. "Damn you, Shiori's sister." Shiori said in a nasally monotone. "Shiori's sister stole Shiori's first love interest with her sexier body and her better tasting coffee. And then the rest of Shiori's family was killed. Nobody will ever understand the torment I feel. The torment of an extremely moe elf who is lusted after by pretty much every boy she's ever met. Except for Shiori's first love interest. And Shiori's second love interest. Shiori's first love interest was like the Shiori's father that I never had because Shiori's first love interest's brother erased him, noooooo. Shiori shall get you back. Somehow. I challenge you to an emo off."

"Is she okay?" asked Asuna.

"The author's just making a ridiculous reference." Chisame sighed. "That's why he isn't calling her Luna like he usually does. Even though the name he's referencing has barely anything in common with Shiori."

"Does this mean that we can expect one where she can see thestrals, hunts crumple-horned snorcacks and likes pudding?" asked Haruna.

"I hope not," sighed Chisame.

* * *

><p><strong>SCM:<strong>

Negi and Asuna's combined attack struck down the Lifemaker. As he stumbled back, his hood slipped back, revealing…

Nodoka gasped. "Chiko*tan?

"It's TWILIGHT ZAYTSEV, darn it!" he cried. "Can't you tell Asuna and I are related from the name?-!"

* * *

><p><strong>SCM:<strong>

Negi and Asuna's combined attack struck down the Lifemaker. As he stumbled back, his hood slipped back, revealing…

Asuna and Konoka gasped. "Dolphin-san?"

The dolphin trucker gave them a glare. "Damn you humans and your pollution!"

* * *

><p><strong>SCM:<strong>

Negi and Asuna's combined attack struck down the Lifemaker. As he stumbled back, his hood slipped back, revealing…

Negi blinked. "Sexy arena announcer lady?"

She grinned at him. "Of course! How else do you think we tracked you so closely!"

Chisame frowned. "He knows the word 'sexy'?"

* * *

><p><strong>T-bone 61:<strong>

"This...this isn't possible! Why you? Why **you**, of all people? WHY?" Negi slowly sank to his knees, consumed with despair. Ala Alba and 3-A looked on in silent awe at the being revealed before them, but not without confusion. Confusion, because, well, none of them really knew who this was.

"That's correct, boy. It Is I." The figure cast off the remnants of its cloak, scattering them to the four winds. It was now no longer an it, but a _she_. A catgirl, to be precise. And she was wearing an outfit beyond all description.

Asuna drooled a little despite herself. "D-damn it, Negi, get up! We have to win this!"

"We'll never win," came the crushed reply from her feet. "This is...this is a truly eternal being. Victory is useless here."

"I am glad you see sense, boy," said the catgirl, running a hand down her exposed-yet-not-exposed stomach. Suddenly, everyone on the platform felt weak in the knees.

"To think...one single panel of one single chapter," Negi muttered. "The mastermind flew under our noses so easily."

"Of course I did." The catgirl smiled motherly/sisterly/arrogantly/seductively. "Though years may pass and mountains be worn to dust, no one ever expects a true background character. And that is what I Am. I Am the lynchpin, the id ever-living, the Black Thought of this dying world.

**"I Am the Fetish Fuel Station Attendant, and My Word is law."**

"Oh my God." Evangeline, despite her hatred (but was it _really_ hatred, or something else?) for the agent of her change, began to fan herself uncontrollably. "This is - this is _insane..._"

"Why do you hesitate, My daughter? Does the Loli Side not entice you as it does so many others? Submit to the Eternal Garden, and you will find true Paradise...bliss beyond imagining."

Nodoka bent double under the weight of the images assaulting/comforting/caressing her mind. Fetishes they were: every fetish known to man...and several known only to monkeys. The young girl clutched her head, vertigo overtaking her, but before it felt as though she would shred herself, spiraling into a deep, wet oven-place from which there was no escape, _it happened._

**[HIATUS]**

"What...? Who dares...?"

It was as though a fog had lifted from the battleground that was the Gravekeeper's Palace, and with the lifting of that fog, a man came forth: a man of simple cast, clad in jacket, jeans, and t-shirt. A pair of old, well-loved glasses sat evenly on his nose, and there was a small, confident smile on his face. There was something in his posture, in his stride...

...For the first time, the Station Attendant felt all-encompassing fear. It was not like the feelings she knew so well - fear was a natural part of many fetishes - but rather it felt more concrete, more real. It was the kind of fear one had for one's Creator.

Negi rose up. His eyes were foggy from pain and fatigue, but he found them drawn inexorably to the man's shirt, and the lettering thereupon. It looked almost like...'Love Hina'?

"Who...who are you?" the boy genius asked.

"A friend," the man replied. "I'm here to help you win."

Asuna gawked. "H-how...?"

"Don't worry," said he of the Love Hina t-shirt, "This woman is strong, but not unstoppable. Trust me."

The man pulled a pen from the depths of his pocket, and with an audible **_CRACK_** it became the size of a skyscraper.

"After all, I've done my research."

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

"Hahaha, now my goal shall finally be reached!" yelled the Lifemaker pulling her hood down.

"Dark Nodoka?" Yue asked, "but how is that possible?"

"I've survived by absorbing the Magic radiated by Negi, and now he will live with me forever, granting me eternal life!" Ranted the Evil bookworm, continuing with a look of pure lust on her face "Not to mention what I'll do to him every night…"

"Paru, " Nodoka glared at the mangika, "would you deactivate your artifact now, Please?"

"No way I want to see where this is going," laughed Haruna eating from a bag of popcorn she pulled out of nowhere.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

A gasp was heard from Negi's mouth when the Lifemaker's hood fell showing a girl that none of the 3-A classmate's recognized.

"You're that girl from the train that I ran into during chapter one!" revealed Negi.

"Yes and now you'll never grow up to become a train pervert like your father," the girl evilly laughed. Suddenly every girl in 3-A turned against Negi, and several train riders were saved.

* * *

><p><strong>Cygnus:<strong>

As the devastating attack landed, the hood blew back. Asuna and Negi gazed in complete shock, as did Eva. Rakan merely stared seriously.

Fate was at a complete loss.

Since when was Gandolfini the Lifemaker?

"Since you were so inclined to trust Ms. Chao, I obviously had to make sure your trust was not without foundation," he regarded the cast coolly. "Luckily, you and everyone involved proved me wrong. Even now though Chao will be forced to act pretty soon."

He began to disappear in a wave of rose petals. "I suppose this is the part where someone in my business would go, according to the vernacular, 'All according to keikaku.'"

"He is so doing it wrong!" Chisame complained.

"And Keikaku means Aizen!" Konoka added, but all she got were a bunch of odd looks.

* * *

><p><strong>Japanese Teeth:<strong>

"Not so fast!" Negi took hold of Asuna's sword, pouring the power of Magia Erebia into the blade. "You won't escape!"

With a shout, he whipped the sword at the cloaked figure. There was an explosion of darkness as the cloak exploded into a billion pieces. Unfortunately, it was only the cloak. Standing where the Lifemaker had been only seconds earlier was a naked girl, one Takane D. Goodman.

"Damn it!" She shouted as she dropped to her knees, trying to cover herself. "All I wanted was to rewrite the universe so my clothes wouldn't keep disintegrating! Is that so much to ask?"

"You tried to destroy an entire world just to avoid some Clothing Damage?" Chisame glared at her. "I cannot believe we went through so much trouble over something this stupid."

* * *

><p><strong>Starwavegal:<strong>

As the hood was taken off, the Ala Alba was ready to fight whatever being the Lifemaker happened to be. However, as soon as they saw the face everyone stopped and gawked in confusion and fear.

"Chizu-nee?" Natsumi squeaked in fear.

"Why?" was all Kotaro could manage to say.

"There was always _something evil_ up with her" Chisame muttered. "But still, why did you do it?"

"To make a world where the only treatment for a illness is leeks"

"That's... that's just wrong!" cried Kotaro.

"At least use an _actual_ suppository, and not food!" Chisame added.

Suddenly, but not surprisingly two leeks appeared in each of Chizuru's hands. "Oh really..." she chuckled, a disturbingly creepy expression on her face.

"RUN!" screamed Natsumi. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

The horrified screams from the Ala Alba could be heard within a 90 km radius.

* * *

><p><strong>Boristus:<strong>

"Fath... er" Negi could only stare in horror at the quickly vanishing form of the Lifemaker, wearing his fathers face. Every single combatant still standing was transfixed on the spot where he had stood a moment ago.

Had everyone not been so focused on were the Lifemaker had been, they would have seen Albireo Imma walk out from behind a corner just moments later, the tattered remains of a cloak fading away from his figure as he slid a book labeled "Nagi Springfield - Volume II" and a pactio card up his sleeve. For just a moment, a mischievous smile flashed across his face, before returning to his place on the edge of the frozen platform.

* * *

><p><strong>SCM:<strong>

Negi and Asuna's combined attack struck down the Lifemaker. As he stumbled back, his hood slipped back, revealing…

Yuuna gasped. "MOM?-!"

"Yuuna-chan!" she pouted. "You ruined the surprise!"

"Surprise?" Negi said.

"This was all a set-up to get you to marry Negi!" Yuuna's mom said. "Nagi and I even faked our deaths to make it convincing!"

Secundum pulled off his mask, revealing…

"Dad?-!" Negi gasped.

Nagi grinned. "Boy, that sure was a SURPRISE TWEEST, wasn't it?"

"Okay, this is getting stupid…" Chisame said.

* * *

><p><strong>Overmaster!<strong>

As the Lifemaker's hood fell down, Negi found himself staring at a man he'd never seen before. Chisame, however, had recognized the face, going ghastly pale as she screamed.

"D-D-DAAAAD?-!"

Asuna blinked several times. "The Lifemaker is YOUR father?-!"

"Indeed, " the tall man nodded gravely.

"Not fair!" Negi complained. "It was supposed to be MY reunion with MY father, Chisame-san!"

Before anyone else could comment on it, the huge layer of ice covering Cosmo Entelecheia shattered, and Dynamis stepped out, pulling the skin off his face, revealing it to be only a mask. "Very well! The charade is over!"

"Father!" Mana gasped.

Secundum sighed, taking his own false face as well. "I knew this was a bad idea from the start..."

"Dad!" Nodoka eeped.

Sextum's face came off next. "Ako, I only hope you can forgive me..."

"Mom..." Ako almost fainted.

"Well, there always WAS a resemblance..." Haruna admitted.

Nii huffed, unmasking herself as well. "You had to ruin everything, Hasegawa-kun-aru..."

Ku Fei's jaw hit the floor. "You too, Mom!"

"... You?" Akira warily looked at Septendecim.

"Actually, I'm only someone they hired off the street since they needed someone else in the act," she admiited.

"Oh."

"Why, Dad? Why have you all done this?" Chisame demanded.

"Well, we had to!" he argued. "We needed to teach you a lesson! You hid so many things from us! You lied to us all this time!"

"Running off to another world without telling us!" Ako's mother sobbed.

"Romancing a ten year old boy!" Mana's father shook his head.

"I'm not in love with him!" Mana barked.

"I've looked under your bed, Missy! You may think you hid your stash perfectly, but remember, you learned all about that from me!"

"Crap," Tatsumiya bit her tongue.

"You were so ashamed of us all, you never even allowed us into your manga!" Quartum grieved, pulling his mask off to reveal a face identical to those of the Narutakis. "That's why I broke your stupid creepy live sized doll!"

"Dad, Chachamaru's actually alive," Fuuka scowled.

"She is? Oh my. My apologies. I honestly didn't know—"

Chachamaru just punched him in the face.

Fate made a truly haunted face. "Excuse me, but... Where does that leave me...?"

"I adopted you when you were only a stray orphan with amnesia, then fed you that whole construct crap," Mr. Hasegawa shrugged. "Sorry about that, but better that than growing up knowing your real father is Accelerator from To Aru Majutsu No Index..."

"That's it, I'm going home," Evangeline muttered, turning around and walking away.

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker's hood fell down to reveal their face. "One of my shadow constructs?" asked Takane.

"This is getting ridiculous!" complained Chisame. "How does that even make sense!"

"I yearned for a world where we shadows ruled and summoned humans to protect us." explained the Lifemaker.

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker pulled back his hood to reveal who he was. "Who are you?" asked Haruna.

"Principal?" asked Anya and Negi.

"Yes it is I, the Principal of Meldiana Academy!" declared the Lifemaker. "After all, it was I who first set you on this path! I who taught you and knew about you since you were born!"

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker's hood fell back, revealing a familiar face. "Oh, come on!" complained Chisame. "How does that work! Not only are you already over here!" she pointed at her collected allies. "But until recently, you'd been erased from existence!"

"I did it with fighting spirit," said the newly revealed Rakan.

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

"From the land of green sea breezes, tea in the afternoon and fog, comes the goodwill ambassador of love and courage! I am...The Lifemaker!" announced The Lifemaker.

"Um, Nekane-han?" Konoka said as she hesitantly raised a hand. "We can already tell that it's you."

"...And I thought that this was a better disguise." sighed Nekane.

* * *

><p><strong>Marq FJA:<strong>

The black cloak disintegrated, revealing... a female face that was somehow both familiar and yet not, framed by long white hair.

Negi's met the now-unhooded Lifemaker's own white-irised ones, and then He. Saw. It.

Old, deep-stabbing pain of losing someone dear that never healed, never faded, always maddening. Desperation to set right what once went wrong. Something gone horribly wrong. Confusion, then eventual comprehension, followed by renewed determination. Millennia of painstakingly crafting an elaborate, flawless plan to achieve her aim. And finally, bitter irony at her carefully-designed plan being now taken apart like a house of cards by **him**, of all people.

"Find me," she said, as a brief hint of sanity shone in her eyes. "And then kill me. It's your only chance..." Her words trailed off as her magical avatar completely vanished.

Yes, he knew. It's his only chance to stop her... and her only chance to be released from her tormented existence. The pain, _the agonizing pain_ that he saw in her eyes. _God, how can her mind be still _**_functioning_**_?_ Negi thought. _A human mind would surely have broken a hundred times by now!_

And much as he loathes to do so, he would have to postpone that matter for the time being; the Magical World didn't come with a simple reset button, after all, and he and Ala Alba have to make sure that all of its "rewritten" denizens are safe and sound before moving on to other issues.

* * *

><p><strong>Japanese Teeth:<strong>

"So let me get this straight..." Negi said, massaging his forehead. "Kurt Godel actually wasn't incompetent."

"Right." Asakura nodded.

"And he deliberately allowed me to get the upper hand in our battle so that I would no longer view him as a viable threat."

"Yep."

"And his _actual_ plan was to get Ala Alba into a conflict with Cosmo Entelechia."

"Seems that way."

"And in fact, Dynamis' team was actually just a splinter group off of the _real_ Cosmo Entelechia, which is actually run by Kurt Godel."

"Yes."

"And Kurt Godel is the Lifemaker, which is why he just sat in the shadows most of the time without bothering to truly impede our efforts, because he knew we were on the complete wrong track the whole time."

"Looks like it."

"And you actually knew all of this before we even met the man?"

"Of course."

"Why didn't you tell me!"

Asakura just shrugged.

"It would have been boring. This is a much more interesting story. I'll totally win a Pulitzer for this. Or whatever the local equivalent is."

Negi just put a hand to his forehead.

* * *

><p><strong>Boristus:<strong>

As their combined attack scored a direct hit, the hood obscuring the Lifemaker's face was blown off. "It... it can't be!" Asuna stuttered in surprise. "Iincho's Butler?"

"Indeed," The mustached man said, with a blank look on his face.

"What a twist!" Chamo said.

"This is so stupid," said Chisame, repeatedly smacking her artifact against her forehead.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

"How did he fit in the cloak? You'd think that the stone golem from Library Island would be too big," pondered Negi.

"Wait a minute," Chisame grumbled, "wasn't that golem just the headmaster? And didn't someone do him already?"

"Someone must be getting lazy and running out of ideas," Asuna said looking at me.

What did I do?

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker's hood fell down to reveal their face. "Ca-Captain Serizawa!" gasped Mana. "Why did you do this!"

"You shot me!" Serizawa complained. "I've heard of harsh rejections before, but that takes the cake! Did you really think that I wouldn't take that badly!"

"Are you telling me that this is all due to a lover's quarrel!" moaned Chisame. "Give me a break!"

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker's hood fell down, revealing a little girl on stilts. "Yuki-chan!" gasped Ako. "What are you doing here!"

"You!" Yuki yelled, pointing at Negi. "I'll have my revenge on you for ruining my chances with Haruki-kun! Plus, I really liked that hat! Then, after getting us out of the love confession area, you had the nerve to compete against us with that bimbo in the couple's contest!" She pointed at Ako. "We still won, but seriously, how dare you! That's why I had to have my revenge!"

* * *

><p><strong>Sereg:<strong>

The Lifemaker's hood fell down to reveal an unexpected face. "Noaya-san!" asked Mana. "Why are you involved with this?"

"I worked up my courage to ask out Eiko-sempai and then you shot me!" he yelled. "Then you two beat us in the couple's contest!" He pointed at Negi and Ako. "How could I hope to have a relationship with her after that! I had to have revenge! Do you have any idea how hard it is to attract a hot, older woman!"

"No, is it really that hard?" asked Negi.

"Yeah, I found it pretty easy as well." added Kotaro.

"Definitely not the most difficult task that I have accomplished." Fate agreed. Noaya looked at the large group of women surrounding the three boys.

"Oh, screw you!" yelled Noaya.

"Well, we weren't exactly waiting for your permission, but okay." shrugged Misa.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

The Lifemaker threw off his cloak to show his true form!

"A pile of Monkeys?" Asked Asuna. Indeed, where the Lifemaker stood was a pile of Monkeys climbing onto each other to create a human like shape.

"Yes, " One of the monkeys telepathically beamed into everyone's brain, "but not just any monkeys, we are psychicly gifted monkeys against world destruction!"

"P.G.M.A.W.D?" thought just about everyone there quite confused.

"IT'S NOT AN ACRONYM!" The lead monkey shouted directly into their brains, "We have seen the path of destruction the earth is on and have decided to do something about it. We took control of Chigusa's brain and used her to do our bidding. But we were stopped at every turn by you meddling kids and that dog boy!"

"Kotaro-aro-aro, " howled Kotaro.

To prevent copy write infringement the author has voluntarily stopped writing this ficlet. Chisame isn't making me or anything…(help)

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

Right before Asuna and Negi got off their power attack a frog hopped out of the Lifemaker's cloak. Everyone paused. Then another frog hopped out, and another, soon the Lifemaker's cloak was underneath a pile of frogs.

"Ok, who played the 'Dreaded Frog Hell' card?" Haruna complained.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

The attack cut the Lifemaker's cloak clean in half. Both halves fell to the floor and there was silence.

"BWA-haha!" interrupted a voice at Negi's side. Suddenly Negi's wand few away from his side and floated above the half-cloak.

"Oh my gosh it's the invisible man!" yelled Asuna. The wand sweat dropped.

"No it is I!" proclaimed the wand, "the living wand of champions!"

"But why are you turning on me? When have I ever mistreated you?" asked Negi.

"Let's see, the time I got stuck in a tree, the time I was thrown off the bridge, the time in the second season I broke from everyone trying to sit on me, the time I was left in the ARCTIC WITH ONLY CHAMO FOR COMPANY!"

"Was it really that bad?" asked Negi. All the girls nodded and silently felt sorry for the wand.

* * *

><p><strong>Japanese Teeth:<strong>

"Who the heck are you?" Negi stared at the newly revealed Lifemaker. He was a lot shorter than anyone would have expected. But he looked vaguely familiar. Or rather, his large, round hat looked vaguely familiar.

"I'm one of the mages that graduated along side you!" The Lifemaker yelled. "The reason I did all of this is because I was sick and tired of being in your shadow all the time! Sheesh, you'd think that there were no other students at Meldiana besides you and Anya. And she doesn't even do anything!"

"Oh, you're that guy who always wore the weird hats!"

"Dangit you don't even remember my name, do you?"

"Sorry." Negi shrugged.

"Well, you'll remember me now!" he shouted. "I've worked for so long, I'll never let you defeat-"

"Wait a minute!" Yue pushed her way out of the throng. "You can not be the Lifemaker. The Lifemaker has been around for thousands of years and we have evidence that he orchestrated the war twenty years ago. You can't have planned events decades in the past to get back at Negi for something that only happened less than a year ago. It's a logical impossibility."

The Lifemaker sighed.

"It's a result of the time discrepancy between Mundus Magicus and Mundus Vetus. The flow of time is distorted by fluctuations in the-"

WHAM!

The Lifemaker fell forward, unconscious. Behind him, Chisame held her artifact like a baseball bat. She looked up at the dozens of stunned observers. She shrugged.

"I freaking hate magibabble."

* * *

><p><strong>NON-NEGIMA CHARACTER BONUS STORIES:<strong>

**Love is Weird:**

The explosion from Negi and Asuna's attack kicked up a dust cloud, prompting many sneezes and yells of "AUGH CHAMO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" and, from one of the more perverted members, "Ooooh...do that again!"

However, it was Negi's sneeze that was the biggest of all, blowing away the dust cloud and many clothes in the process.

Said clothes happened to include the Lifemaker's robes.

Asuna boggled. "Who the hell are you three?" she asked.

"_Prepare for trouble, this series is ours!_" the woman with the strange hairstyle announced.

"_Make it double, don't make us wait an hour!_" the man with the strangely high-pitched tone proclaimed.

"_To protect the world from devastation!_"

"_To unite all peoples within our nation!_"

"_To denounce the evils of truth and love!_"

"_To extend our reach to the stars above!_"

"_JESSIE!_" the woman yelled, striking a dramatic pose.

"_JAMES!_" the man cried, also striking an equally-dramatic pose.

"_Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!_"

"_Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!_"

Out of nowhere, a strange...cat-thing leapt onto the scene, posing alongside its allies. "_Meowth, that's right!_"

"...who are you guys again?" Negi asked.

"DAMMIT, TWERP, DIDN'T YOU JUST HEAR US?" Jessie yelled at him.

"To be honest," Asuna replied, "you lost us somewhere around 'devastation'."

"Grr—That's it! You think that just because you have a main character role in this, you can just zone out whenever you want?" Jessie snarled.

"I told you, Jessie!" James whined. "At least back in _our_ series, the twerps _listened_!"

"'Sides, " Meowth added, "if you're itchin' so much for another series, den how's _Disgaea_? I hear Nippon Ichi's still lookin' for DLC!"

"CUT!" Akamatsu yelled. "Who let Team Rocket on the set? And where's Nagi?"

**...**

"You know," Arika began, "I have a feeling Akamatsu's already discovered our little deception."

"Mmm..." Nagi groaned. "Untie me, gotta go."

Mao hurriedly adjusted his glasses, which had gotten askew during their little...activity. "I told you we should've gone with that gunner who wants her own game," he complained.

Valvatorez scratched the back of his head. "Well, you see, those three drove a hard bargain," he began, "and...well, they offered sardines! _Sardines_."

* * *

><p><strong>Love Is Weird:<strong>

"All right!" Asakura exclaimed, when the dust settled and the Lifemaker stood still. "Time to see who you're really like under that hood."

With that, she stomped on over, whipping out her camera, and ripped off the hood that had hidden the face of the Lifemaker from them.

...with good reason.

"...You're kidding," she flatly said.

Asagi Asagiri shook her head in reply. "I'm afraid I'm not," she gravely said. "I am Asagi Asagiri, and _you_"—she pointed at Negi, who simply looked confused—"stole my role as the main character!"

Asuna blinked at her. "Are you sure about that?" she asked.

"I am!" the gunner without her own game cried. "I mean, look! The _Prinnies_ got their own game! I, on the other hand, still have nothing to call my own! Then I got this memo from Akamatsu, offering to give me a starring role in his latest manga!"

Negi leaned in, then shook his head. "Asagi-san," he said, his tone grave, "I think you were fooled. That's not Akamatsu-san's signature, that's Effy-san's."

"_What?_" Asagi cried. "_You mean one of those fanfic writers fooled me?_"

Everyone nodded in reply.

Somewhere in the universe, a young girl who looked strangely like Miku Hatsune, save for the black hair, found herself running as far and as fast as possible, though she couldn't quite fathom the reason.

* * *

><p><strong>Darkenning:<strong>

At last the hood fell back, and a grimly smiling Indian gentleman was revealed to be beneath it.

"M. Night Shyamalan?" everyone except Chisame chorused.

"What a tweest!" the director said — in perfect synchrony with Chisame's deadpan delivery of the same words. She then glared at the author for including an obvious anachronism.

* * *

><p><strong>Overmaster!:<strong>

The hood fell off to reveal a huge red grin full of yellow teeth, a pair of sharp insane eyes, and a white head full of green hair.

Crickets chirped.

"Well, we all knew we'd eventually get to this obligatory Over Master-written segment, didn't we?" Chisame wondered.

"I had to do it!" Joker tugged on his hair. "It's driving me insane! Everyone but me falls in love with you and the boy, one after another! I had to try and stop it!"

"I'll bet you on Itoshiki-sensei being the next reveal, " Yue told Nodoka.

"Honestly, Yue, I don't need the Diarus Ejus to know that one..."

* * *

><p><strong>Overmaster!:<strong>

The hood fell off to reveal a pale face with glasses, topped by a mop of black hair.

"... I called it first, " Yue muttered.

"Why, Itoshiki-sensei?" Negi asked. "Why?-!"

"I had to do it! The rivalry between Akamatsu and Kumeta will live on forever!" Mr. Despair yelled. "We're all sick of your being worldwide fighting shonen favorites while we remain a relative cult classic at best! It's unfair your shallow, fanservice and fight ridden exploits get more recognition than our biting, smart social satire! I'M IN DESPAIR! THE FACT YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE POPULAR THAN US AND GET MUCH MORE FANFICTION DRIVES ME TO DESPAIR!"

"... But your anime adaptations are so much better liked than ours, " Asuna pointed out. "And you never had a shameful live action drama!"

Itoshiki stiffened in place, as if hit by a sudden epiphany, and ended up smiling slowly.

Then Asuna punched him in the gut.

* * *

><p><strong>Calm and Insane:<strong>

"Great going Negi your trap worked, but who's the Lifemaker?" asked Asuna who was for some reason in a purple dress with a green sash around her waist.

"That's very simple, " simple said Nodoka, also dressed odd in orange sweatshirt and matching skirt, she pulled of the hood revealing "It's…"

"Old Man Jenkins!" gasped everyone.

"No we are not doing this again!" screeched Chisame

…

Chiu-sama: due to the author being hospitalized for two broken wrists and ten broken fingers this story will be put of permanent hold. Thank you for your time.

* * *

><p><strong>Overmaster!:<strong>

The hood fell down, and then Natsumi gasped harder than anyone else. "K-K-KOTARO-KUN!-!"

"What the hell? It doesn't make any sense!" Chisame pointed at him. "You were with us for almost all of the—"

Kotaro in Adult Mode laughed crassly. "That was only one of my shadow wolves given human form! I'll bet you didn't know I could do that, did you? Well, there's so much about me you didn't know, you losers! Jerks! Bad friends!"

"Why are you accusing us like that, Kotaro-kun? And why have you turned against us?" Negi asked.

"The galls of you, asking that!" Inugami scoffed. "You snare all the sexy girls!"

"Hey!" Natsumi yelled.

"You left me pulling all the weight in the tournament while you went off to make best buddies with this guy," he pointed at Rakan, "Behind my back! And then you went and obsessed over Fate of all people! Forgetting your best friend, who was next to you the whole time! You became broken while I became a Krillin... or so you thought, at least! Did you ever think of helping me reach your level, too? Nooooo! Because you're the big hero, and we're only your crew of supporters, good for nothing but taking hits for you while you and your precious Asuna fix everything by yourselves! And now you forget me while 'befriending' this Fate creep! Hell, I was missing for God knows how many chapters and no one cared a shit or said anything! Not even you, Natsumi-nee! So yeah, I'm the Lifemaker now!"

"... You should just have come out of the closet and admitted you were gay over Negi from the start," Haruna opined.

"I'm not gay for him!" Kotaro barked.

Haruna, Yue, Nodoka, Fate, Asuna, Chisame, Ku, Yuna, Kaede, Rakan, Anya, Evangeline, Misora, Cocone, Takane, Konoemon, Setsuna, Mana, Zazie, Misa, Madoka, the Narutakis, Chamo and Albireo all glared at him.

"Okay. Maybe just a little," Kotaro admitted.

Negi's eyes bugged out. "YOU ARE!-?"

Fate snarled, hugging Negi from behind. **"Mine!"**

"I'd have succeeded, too, if you hadn't brought my main weakness into play!" Kotaro lamented.

"You mean pulling Asuna from the altar, right?" Asakura asked.

"No! I mean bringing that woman in proximity to me!" he pointed at Chizuru. "Damn you, woman!"

Chizuru had red glowing eyes now, making even Evangeline gasp under her breath. She also had a large leek in each hand. "Kotaro-kuuuuuun... You have been very, VERY bad..."

What ensued was enough to make everyone agree the rest of Cosmo Entelecheia had gotten it easy.


End file.
